Looking at the boy, I see a man now. He rubs my head and talks softly until my eyelids start appearing heavy. It feels soothing. Like when ice cream melts in my mouth and the taste gets better and better. I recall when Mak first shared his room with me. I loved those loud video games with sounds of ‘Spat Spat Spat!”while I would race back and forth barking at the TV screen. Mak would hold his stomach laughing at me. We played for hours and hours in our private world, eating and talking and shooting bad guys. As I look up at him now, widening my eyes, I see his strong jaw. Broad shoulders. His hair which was once as curly as my tail is now long and pulled back in what he calls a ‘man bun’. Eyes of a boy have changed to reflect the cleverness he learned in college. But I see his quirkiness still lingers. And I’m glad. It radiates in his laid-back style, conversation and enjoyment of life. He slowly shifts my weight to the crook of his arm and we stand up. The family is doing a lot of picture taking today. Both Mak and TayTay are here visiting! I have missed them living with us and I love visiting them at their own houses.
TayTay takes me from Mak’s arms. I smell food and hear dad clinking plates in the kitchen. I hope the noises mean it is time for our family tradition. I look up at Tayler. Now a woman returns my stare. It is difficult to see the difference between her and mom these days. I look over at mom and both she and Tayler hold the same sad expression in their eyes. They talk in serious tones, each about to be breathless to get words out faster than the other. I feel happy to see them together in our house. Happy to see TayTay as such a confident woman, now married. She let me visit recently when mom took a vacation. It was nothing like the old days of screaming music, loud colors, and black eye smudge. Although I find myself wishing a little for the old days when I would sleep in her bed, smelling of sugar and vanilla. She always had a treat in her room, and she shared. We had special times when I was allowed to snuggle close to her body warmth and she told stories and talked to friends while petting me. In her new house I watch her stay busy with all her details. I’m proud she is so grown up.
When the clinking in the kitchen stops, TayTay brings me to the floor and I see it. The family meal plate just for me. I have some rice, cheesy potatoes, a little meat and chocolate syrup drizzled everywhere! I smell the divinity of the tastes. Today, Dad does not tell me to ‘wait’ for my food and pets my ears when giving me the plate. I dive in a little slower these days. I favor chewing on one side, and cannot swallow well. The food is soft and easy to fill my belly, the way I like it now. Everyone sits with me while I eat but they are not eating. Conversation is about grandma and the family in another state that everyone just returned from. We get up from the floor after I eat and head to the front door to visit the yard.
Outside, I sniff the grass and notice that an unwelcome cat has visited. I look around. My front legs feel a little heavy; maybe I will sit. But there is too much to see! All of us are outside, together. I form a crooked smile, the large tumor in my cheek feeling tight. The sunshine is warm on my shoulders. Grass is dry, browning in the heat of Arizona sun. It feels crispy under my paws. I walk a few circles looking for the perfect soft spot to squat. I find it funny that everyone is with me walking in circles too. Mom is snapping more pictures and Mak talks to TayTay. Mom bends to pick me up and I’m looking at myself when I see her t-shirt. She brings me to the car and I sit on the passenger seat, with a view out the window. Because we are riding in the car!
After we get out of the car at the big building that has dogs and cat pictures on the door, we sit in chairs near other dogs with families. My family sits quietly, while Mak holds me and pets my fur. He whispers to me the way he did after the big neighborhood dog thought I was his lunch. The words are not clear but I hope he keeps saying them. It’s my favorite. My deep brown eyes become glassy, staring into Mak’s. I close them for a few minutes to rest.
When I open my eyes we are in another room with pictures on the wall, a tall table and a few chairs. Dad lets me sniff around the floor and check things out. TayTay is sitting in a chair, and she picks me up for cuddles. I lay against her, my belly exposed. She touches my paw and tells me stories about our family adventures. Mom and Mak join her. They remind me how I climbed to the top of a mountain, and drank beer from their glasses when they weren’t looking, and how happy they are Mak “had to have a Pug.” And something else about a movie called “Men in Black”. They laugh about me being a “food slut,” a family joke. I feel tingles of joy in my fur and my paws go slack in Tayler’s arms. She presses both my front leg joints to make my legs stand still in the air and giggles. I giggle too. Then, a lady in a white coat steps into the room. She has a different smell and I’m curious about the gadgets she is holding.
I lay down on the tall table and mom, Mak, TayTay and even Dad are around the table talking and petting me. A bright light is overhead that shines the whole room. My silvery fur sparkles in its light and I wag my tail. I tilt my head to the right, listening to mom talk to the lady and not understanding the meaning. My tummy is being rubbed, and my head lays back, fully relaxed. The light begins to blur and I try harder to hear the words of my family. They are still talking, but the words fade as though they are from another room. I feel hands holding my paws. I’m flooded with smells and memories, and my heart races to keep up. I fall into the rush of my life. Mothers milk. The swimming pool. The wind blowing my wet face in the hot sunshine. Dusty dirt up my nose. An ice cream carton stuck on my head. Ice cream dribble on my chin. Long walks with mom and dad showing off to other dogs. Sweet coke bubbling in my nose. Hot cement on my paws. Sunbathing on the lawn chair. Holiday turkey dinners. Games with the family, when everyone is so loud. Dad saying “Wanna treat!”.
The voices are getting fainter. “It’s ok Pug, you can let go,” I hear. I’m feeling weightless. I see every smile and hear every kind word with the quickening of my heart. I’m not sure if my eyes are closed. I am only feelings. The light above has become glittery now, as the sun dancing across the lake at home. There is no ceiling. There are no walls. There is me and the glitter and somehow we are no longer separate. I don’t feel the tightness of my face or the racing of my heart. I am aglow, light as air. I see myself, at one with all that I was now becoming all that I am. And I am beautiful.
We Are Always Blooming 